Rare Pokemon Leads Wrong Corvallites to Doom: Mega Quake a Glimmer of Hope
It is with a heavy, nacho-cheese laden heart that I bring you this news, ladies and gentlemen. Over one hundred of our brother and sister Corvallisites were felled last week chasing a rare Charizard in Hawaii. In a bid to help totally unrelated businesses like Market of Choice and Dutch Bros cash in on the trend through “Pokemon spotted here!” signs, Pokemon GO creator Niantic conveniently spawned their famed fire-breathing sex machine in the middle of the recently erupted Kilauea volcano.
Many poke balls were flicked in an attempt to violently stuff said Charizard into said magical wizard’s animal prison, but the only experience-yielding bullseyes that fateful day were the bluhmphs and splishes of Corvallis men and women as they belly flopped onto a lake of eternal fire. The true tragedy, though, is which of our beloved community members weren’t transmuted into a half life of grey poupon by the primordial fount.
Fallout? More like, Fall… Not. No, That Doesn’t Make Sense
No one from city government, business leadership groups, councils or committees were there. No NIMBY loudmouths, people who have supported our few obnoxious roundabouts, people who say they love local business but fill their bellies from the teets of the foreign chain invaders that replace them, no champions of gentrification to be seen. No husker dos, husker don’ts, or people who turn left from 9th street onto Van Buren and illegally cut over to the far lane (seriously, stop doing that). Worst of all? No local media — especially that liberal blowhard Johnny Beaver and his gang of troglodytes at The Corvallis Advocate. Hell, we didn’t even manage to rid ourselves of whoever the fuck birthed that rotten nightmare of a cheese-grated butthole on Circle across from the Market of Choice plaza. Oh, you’re blind? I mean the new apartments.
::cough::
Literally zero percent of these local ne’er-do-wells were melted down into blazing, gluten free carbon farts, their accompanying hopes and dreams reaching skyward like an armada of some other kind of fart. As I write to you, tears of disgusting body water drip from my ball ducts and down my cheeks, like a dumbass Oregonian stuck out in the summer rain without an umbrella. Honestly, what the hell is with that anyway? 157 years as a state and the number of people who manage to keep an umbrella in their car is equal to the shits I give about Tiffany Trump’s music career.
::cough::
This was our shot in the dark. Our white whale. Our really hot chick that was totally going to do us, but we passed out first and she went home, but it was kind of okay because she had shitty taste in music and it sort of seems like our dog didn’t like her. But she was really hot.
Snap out of it. We have to snap… OUT! (make sure to read that with drama).
That Stupid Part of the Article Where Everything is Tied Together
That’s right. Dry your eyes, Corvallisites! Where Niantic and their animal abuse game have failed, Oregon Public Broadcasting and their constant prayers for a Cascadian mega earthquake will surely succeed. 300 articles in state media a day can’t be wrong! Our landmarks will turn to dust and it’ll suck horses into the earth and shit. Where they once stood some dust will shoot up so you’ll knowits intense. Also, trees will fall over asymmetrically across the scene to add a little dynamism. After a thousand years Centaurs will start new communities and we’ll all be like, holy shit, fantasy stuff has been in the future all along!
I’ve completely forgotten what I was talking about.
-By Jimmy J. Danger