Corvallis Eyesore Building Wins Prize, Because Fuck Graphic Cohesion

While most of us locals simply refer to the construction at Circle and Janssen as the ‘dry heave and water poo building’ because of its paint colors, The American Institute of Architects is so impressed, they’ve recognized it with the prestigious  Leonard Pinth Garnell Prize for Ugly Architecture.  Mayor Biff Traber gushed, saying, “We really aren’t just an engineering and self-righteous washed-up hippie town, this recognition will open doors for whole new sectors to take root in Corvallis.”

“The mix of horrid but common design vernaculars is what is most compelling…”, reads one of the judges statements, continuing, “This architect left the conventions of singularly revolting exotic thematics, and delicately balanced innocuous generally accepted design cues, recombining them in the most awful ways possible, it’s all jarringly stomach turning, I love it.”

Another judge took umbrage with the paint colors, saying, “These shapes in their proportions and relationship to one another and sheer multitude are sublimely nauseating on their own, the bodily fluid toned paints feel overly obvious, like a young architect not confident in his or her own ability to make viewers wretch with the lines alone, but still, I am compelled.”

Oregon State University Monsanto College of Genetic Enhancement and Romantic Studies Professor of Applied Theoretical Proprioceptive Mathematics, Alexandra Carole McStephens- Balistrade commented, “I am hearing reports of dogs actively averting their eyes when passing by the building.”

Meagan Chatham has worked across the street at Papa Murphy’s since construction started some months back, she said, “The building looked like it would be normal at first, but there’s not even one combination of accent boards and windows that’s the same on the Tudor parts of the building, and arched bungalow entrances under the oddly sharp horror film chalet rooflines is just weird, I’ve like, started to look for work somewhere else, it makes me uncomfortable.”

Neither the architect, builder or property owner had at press time replied to this reporter’s request for comment. A source wishing to remain anonymous said the trio seemed quite pleased with the prize and are spending the month in Kalama, Washington to celebrate.

-By Chas Mison

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