Burgerville a Month Later: Soft Opening, Flaccid Patty

Attracting more Corvallisites than a new stoplight in a southern bayou town, Burgerville soft opened its first C-Town location on 9th just a month ago, and yours truly grabbed the plum assignment of checking them out. A cool dry flaccid burger patty later, I see the attraction.

Interviewing many fellow diners before the police mental health unit arrived, The Laughing Loafer learned they too had all thought this was going to be an In-N-Out Burger. The mix up is being blamed on the average Corvallisite’s overly polite social media habits, apparently nobody had shared the actual etiology of the new drive-up.

In  other words, nobody knew the ironically laughably faux hipster industrial loft ensconced eatery was dishing cuisine as tasteless as the backend of Donald Trump’s hairdresser.  Management teams from In-N-Out Burger and Burgerville declined interview requests. Burgerville did however send a link to something about their locally sourced dead cows and well treated barely above minimum wage worker cattle.

At press time, only the Burgeville sign would comment, saying, “I apologize for not being an In-N-Out Burger, I am doing my best to warn people.”

-Jack Meihoff